i know i'ts been a long time and i don't know why i'm writing here. i just need somewhere to put a quick thought down i guess. ive moved back to new york. i'm here, for now. it was a big step but necessary i think. i feel good about it. i broke up with my boyfreind of 9 months. it was not the cleanest or the nicest break up and currently we're not speaking. but god i miss him. for a good while after it happened i hated him for all he did. but i've cooled down and find myself wishing that maybe we should have tried, somehow to make it work. i don't know what it is about him, but i cannot get him off of my mind. the way he looks, the way he acts, the fact that he made me the most improtant thing in his life. the sex...my god the sex was mindblowing, leg shaking can't get out of bed, what day is it sex. ...sorry, havin a flashback....anyway it's been two months since we broke up and over a month since the last time we've talked and i should have been able to let go alreayd but everytime i sad song comes on the radio it yanks my heart strings. the last guy i went out with was really sweet and was trying really hard, but the entire time all i kept thinking was how much i wished it was john. still. i know i'm not ready for another relationship. it wouldn't be fair for the other person for me to get into a relationship still feeling for someone else. i don't even know if i want one right now anyway. i need to talk to him. i need that closure before i'll ever be able to really move on. but i don't want to. what i want is for him to change in the ways that i need him to. i need him to fix his problems, which shall not be named, and i want him back. i want it to be him. maybe i'm still in that painful stage after a break up but it seems like after a month it woudln't be as bad. but it seems only t obe gettng worse. fuck. i loved him. i love him. still do.